


Lying on Legumes

by Fleur Rochard (fleurrochard), somnolentblue



Category: Fairy Tales & Related Fandoms, Prinsessen paa Ærten | The Princess and the Pea - Hans Christian Andersen
Genre: Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Awesome Ladies Podfic Anthology VII, Collaboration, Fairy Tale Retellings, Gen, Podfic, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Women Being Awesome, the prince is a princess, the princess is a thief, the queen is the queen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-23 11:18:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9654227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleurrochard/pseuds/Fleur%20Rochard, https://archiveofourown.org/users/somnolentblue/pseuds/somnolentblue
Summary: Mercuria Margarita Melissandre Smythe was not, in fact, seeking the heart and hand of the heir.





	

**Length:** 12:17 min  
**Download:** [MP3](http://fleur.parakaproductions.com/Podfic/Misc/Lying%20on%20Legumes.mp3) (11.1 MB) Please right click and "Save As".

Mercuria Margarita Melissandre Smythe, sometimes styled the Duchess of Ruritania or the Earl d'Eon, but more accurately called the Thief of Guilder or, when making an expeditious exit, "you there!", stood in the rain. "And then I bow, offering her my steel in service," she sang, tapping her fingers against her thigh. Three verses later, she judged herself sufficiently woebegone to elicit sympathy and a quick entrance into the palace. She pushed her dripping hair, falling out of its once-elaborate coif, behind her ears and squelched down the lane, wincing as her soaked clothes chafed. The sodden leather and muddy velvet were probably ruined, but needs must. 

Her ears popped as she passed onto the palace grounds proper, and she sneezed. The rain began to bend around her, as it did the torches illuminating the lane and the guards lining it, but she kept walking as if this were nothing remarkable. She resolutely didn't look at the shadows twining around the guards' ankles or slinking around her feet. Magic gave her the heebies, no matter how many bottomless stewpots or gold-laying geese she acquired.

An old woman, a servant judging by her well-kept but practical garb, met her at the head of the lane. "This way, miss," she said, ushering Mercuria through a side door. "It looks like you've had a long day, but we'll get you sorted out." She led Mercuria through the marble entry hall, skirting around an industrious servant scrubbing the floor. "Mind your feet, it might be a bit slick," she said. "Now, miss, are you here as a suitor?" 

"Yes, ma'am," Mercuria said softly, gazing around as if in wonder. In reality, she was memorizing the location of the trap spells -- a tangle of light indicated a particularly nasty labyrinth in the corridor that, based on A Compendium of Standardized Palace Architecture, probably lead to the treasury, and minor befuddling charms pulsed pink and blue above the decorative vases. There was not, however, any barrier to the wing that ought to contain the library. "My father bade me to try, as I am his youngest daughter and have no dowry." She blushed. "But oh, it's so beautiful, living here must be marvellous." 

"It's better than most," the woman allowed, chivvying Mercuria into a small bedroom. A salamander was in the fireplace, curled up in a nest of ash. "Wake up," she said, scratching its head. It yawned, stretched, and blinked at them. "I know," the servant said, "but I brought you a snack." She pulled a lump of cheese out of a pocket, and its tiny claws reached out and snatched it. Then it chirruped, licked the cheese, and burst into flame. Mercuria edged closer to the hearth, grateful for the radiant heat even though she warily eyed the creature devouring its treat. "Don't worry miss, she's quite tame--" the salamander hissed, flames spurting, and the servant snorted "--no matter how much she postures." She pulled a towel, some slippers, and a robe from the chest at the foot of the bed and passed them to Mercuria. "Dry yourself off and warm up. Leave your things at the door, the maid will take care of them before morning. You can present yourself to their majesties tomorrow for the trial." She bustled out, leaving Mercuria blinking behind her. 

"Okay, then," she said to herself. She left her dress, its accoutrements, and her boots by the door as instructed. However, she wrung out her underlayer -- close-fitting trousers, a tight tunic, and soft-soled slippers -- over the wash basin and laid them on the hearth, hoping that they'd dry before she explored the palace tonight. 

She'd just started untangling her hair, unwinding wet strands from hairpins and, deep in her braids, lockpicks, when the door creaked open. "Oh," she gasped, widening her eyes, "you startled me!" Which was not an untrue statement. Instead of the servant she was expecting, there was a tall woman crowned with a golden coronet and wearing an unadorned black dress. 

"So you're the new suitor," she said, looking down her nose at Mercuria. Her state portraits failed to capture either her imposing presence or the sparkles dancing around her hands and chest. 

Mercuria, instead of shuddering, dropped into a curtsy. "Yes, Your Majesty," she said softly. She stayed low for three breaths while the queen said nothing. She rose and added, "I am grateful to Your Majesties for allowing those from all walks of life to seek your heir's heart and hand." 

The queen narrowed her eyes. "Follow me," she commanded.

Mercuria followed, thankful that the late hour meant that few would see her traipsing about in a fuzzy purple robe and slippers. However, the queen did not take her far. Instead, she stopped two doors down, pulling a large key out of her reticule and unlocking the door. She gestured for Mercuria to enter the room ahead of her.

The door slammed behind her. She heard the key turn in the lock once more as she gaped at the sight in front of her. Twenty mattresses were piled high in the corner of the room. She eyed them while she finished taking down her hair -- nobles demanded the weirdest things of their questing suitors, fetching firebird feathers or dancing with princesses or, apparently, sleeping on a mountain of mattresses, like any of that had a damn thing to do with governing a kingdom -- but she needed a nap before seeking out the library. Deciding that a mattress, even one fifteen feet off the ground, would be nicer than a stone floor, she carefully clambered up them. She did have to give credit to whomever had constructed the odd pile; it was quite stable beneath her. 

She woke a few hours later. She climbed down out of the bed, glad that she'd gotten over her fear of heights -- down was always worse than up -- and pulled out her lockpicks. Happily, this door was well-maintained, and creaking hinges didn't give her away when she eased it open. She retrieved her trousers, tunic, and slippers, which were damp but not unbearably so, from the next room. The salamander was sprawled on her back, emitting soft little snores. The clock said it was three, and even the servants seemed to have gone to bed, so Mercuria anticipated having a few hours to search the library. 

However, the sleeping salamander was her last piece of luck that night. For the next two hours, she slid on well-waxed floors; ran in circles when caught by a hamster hex, its tell-tale light hidden amongst the flickering night-candles; opened the library door only to fall through a portal into a lavatory; and, in general, had a miserable time. Finally, she gave up, limping back to the bedchamber and re-locking the door behind her. She stashed her clothes underneath the third-lowest mattress, pulled the fuzzy robe back on, and clambered back up the mattresses, irritated with everything but determined that tomorrow would be more productive.

She woke up when the door to her chamber crashed open. "Honestly, mother," a voice said, "this is ridiculous." She squirmed to edge of the bed and peered over. The queen was back, accompanied by a young woman in a guard's uniform, her hair loose instead of in the regulation braid and, huh, confined by a silver coronet. 

"Umm, hello," Mercuria said, interrupting whatever argument was incipient. 

The young woman, presumably the princess, grinned at her. "Welcome!" she said. "My apologies for springing the first challenge on you so quickly! My mother can be enthusiastic, but usually we can show guests basic courtesies before tossing them in the deep end!"

"Delaying is a waste of everybody's time," the queen retorted.

"Anyway," the princess continued, "come down, and we'll escort you to breakfast. And, umm, get you some clothes," she added, when Mercuria kicked her bare legs over the side. 

Mercuria climbed down, stiff and wishing she could stretch out properly. When she reached the floor she yawned. 

The queen narrowed her eyes at Mercuria. "How did you sleep?" she asked.

Mercuria yawned again. "Poorly, Your Majesty," she said. "I'm not used to such fine surroundings--" the princess raised her eyebrow, and Mercuria hurried on "--and tossed and turned all night." 

The queen jabbed her in the ribs, and Mercuria yelped. An unfortunate encounter with a side table had resulted in a bruise that was going to be spectacular when it finished coming up. In the meantime, it hurt. 

"Interesting," the queen said. She reached underneath the lowest mattress and pulled out a small object. She opened her palm, and Mercuria saw that it was a dried pea. "You must be quite special, to have such sensitivity." 

Mercuria blushed and lowered her head. Unfortunately, her attempt at humble deference was ruined by a succession of sneezes.

And the damned pea sparkled, swirls of black and blue and green dancing over its surface before resolving into a sunny yellow. 

This could be more complicated than expected.

She hated magic.

**Author's Note:**

> Blue's notes: as always, it was a delight to work with Fleur, and I'm so happy that she wanted to do an Awesome Ladies project with me. ♥ Also, many thanks to scintilla10 for betaing this story (with a super-tight turnaround)!
> 
> Fleur's notes: as always, working with Blue feels like the most natural thing and I love it! ♥


End file.
